Ad’Justing’

December 23rd, 2010

This post is an entry to WomensWeb‘s “The Great Adjustment Contest” : Thoughts on Adjusting

Adjusting comes to us, Indians quite naturally. Right from kindergarten we are taught to accustom ourselves to the surroundings and acclimate ourselves to the situation we are in, quietly at that. Unfortunately its the women who are more often than not asked to adjust, which probably explains the cultural propogation of “adjusting”. With women at the helm of cultural education in families , it is only natural we are taught the art of adjusting.While it is hard to slam it down as right or wrong, it certainly has its advantages and disadvantages.

As a girl who had to move from one country to another, I was prepared for the change and held my mom’s “Adjust to your surroundings, you will be fine” very seriously and soon found that it had become one of my best qualities. I even started using that in my pitch to potential employers. Let’s not kid ourselves, everyone likes a person who can accommodate to a new setting,culture and practices. It is a great gift to have. To be flexible and accommodating is perhaps one of the best traits you could ever have. Really.

Like all good things, this too has to come in right amounts. While adjusting can be great, it can also lead to eroding of one’s personality. This is perhaps the biggest problem adjusting can bring about in the realm of relationships. Be it any relationship, the one with your parents, an elder sibling, a really close friend, boyfriend,spouse, when you are too flexible, you also run the risk of becoming an after thought. Because you are by nature adjusting or develop the trait in order to maintain harmony in your relationships , your priorities are weighed lower on the scale. Why? Because you adjust don’t you?

There is a point in a relationship when this very adjusting nature could come dangerously close to sabotaging it. This is when you feel you are losing your own identity because of your “grin and bear it” attitude. Everyone has a few things that they absolutely cannot compromise on. What if your relationship pushes you to that tipping point? What do you do then? Do you go back to your mother’s sagely advice? Or do you make a decision ,as unpleasant as it maybe ? It is definitely not an easy answer and is really a function of many variables. However if this adjusting nature of us puts us in a place where every waking morning is worry laden, then maybe the unpleasant decision is our savior.

Adjusting might be our thing being Indian women.But it doesn’t have to hurt us. Not everything that has been passed down over generations has to be right. Let us put a clause on the “Adjust, My Darling Daughter” advice when we pass on the baton to our daughters. Let us tell them that they need to maintain their individuality while being accommodating. Lets put the “just” back in Adjusting.

Rating: 5.6/10 (2165 votes cast)

Yours,Mine and Ours

September 22nd, 2010

Walking along the beach has been my favorite past time turned routine for the last many years. Time went blazing past my young adolescent fantasies and replaced them with responsibilities and wisdom,or so I would like to think. However my walking along the beach ritual continued.

I spent a large part of the walk people-watching and trying to imagine their personalities,conjuring their life experiences,building their life stories in the few minutes that I see them and walk past them.Today, I was taking my kids out for a stroll. I wanted them to experience what I did during my walks, hoping it would enrich their creativity, that the televisions and video games were hell bent on destroying. The ice cream shops along the way caught their attention and we took a brief recess from walking to get some ice cream.

As I came out of the ice cream shop, I could not help but notice a string of beggars sitting along the sidewalk. There was perfect symmetry in the way they were sitting. It was very territorial too. They all had a mat strewn on which they sat and a small hollow cylinder which had once housed items from instant noodles to baby food to collect other people’s hard earned money.

I walked towards them trying to make up their stories in my short movie, when I found myself stuck in a writer’s block. I could not make up their characters in my mind. It was as though my elite mind refused to let a dirty beggar inside my script. My thoughts were interrupted as I heard my daughters fighting for each other’s ice creams. Kids! how they always fight for the things they don’t have. As I thought that, I was not sure if it was just the kids who did that.

We crossed the beggars and I saw the person ahead of me drop two pennies in one of the hollow cylinders. The clunking sound was too clear since they were so few and far in between. I was now conscious of the many pairs of eyes looking at me wondering if I was going to follow suit . I shied away from looking at their eyes. As I was about to cross them by and look for new characters to fill my creative canvas, I saw one of the beggars taking a coin from his booty and giving it to the one sitting next to him. He found that he had no need for two coins when his friend had none.

I looked at my little girls fighting over a piece of orange ice cream and could not help feeling small. All of us , wallet hugging folks walking across the beggars refusing to acknowledge their presence seemed tiny in contrast to the perfectly aligned line of beggars . I was not so sure if they deserved to be called that as my writer’s block faded away.

Rating: 5.5/10 (2135 votes cast)

Choice

August 4th, 2010

She stared in to the darkness. A darkness that had taken control of her. It began engulfing her , a little at first, and soon completely. She found herself going deeper and deeper in to the darkness. The anticipation and hope to get out of the blackness wore out in time. She had become accustomed to it. The darkness was now home, it was now her life.Just when she had accepted things for what they were, she found someone pulling her out. Pulling her out of misery. That is what they said, yes. They called it misery,they called it rock bottom, they abused her tiny little white pellet friends. They called them the reason for her spiral down. They took those away from her.

She was thrust out of the darkness in one sudden push. The brightness was almost too obscene to withstand.She stared in to the light. She stared in to it wondering why the light took so much time to take her in. To engulf her just like the darkness did. She then thought maybe, just maybe the light wanted her to choose to be taken in.

Rating: 5.5/10 (7753 votes cast)

Of If’s and But’s – All Parts

July 25th, 2010

The entire short novel is here. Click on the link below to read it.

P.S: It feels so good to have finished it :)

Rating: 5.5/10 (6461 votes cast)

Of If’s and But’s – Concluded

July 25th, 2010

Episode 1, Epsiode2,Episode 3,Episode 4, Episode 5,Episode 6,Epsiode 7,Episode 8,Episode 9,Episode 10,Episode 11

I drove home amidst the crowded roads of TNager. I thought about what Anand had said the whole time. It was his audacity that bugged me. He assumed that I was unhappy; he assumed that my life would not be complete without him. He assumed that he was such an integral part of my life. He was right. He had been.

I thought about Brindha and Disha too. How did Brindha agree to bring Anand to meet me? If there was anyone who had always questioned Anand and me being together it was her. Every time we broke up, she told me it was a good things and every time we patched up, she was not happy about it. Why would she ever do that? Especially now, when I have done what she has been asking me to do for ages. Make a choice and give it all you have.

Then it struck me.

Brindha called me as soon as I reached home.

“Hey! I did not mean to upset you”

“I know.”

“I just thought it would be better if we…” she stopped as though scourging for words.

“I know Brindha”

“So what did he say?”

“He told me I should go away with him”

“Hmmm. I expected that.”

“And that what am I am doing is a mistake”

“SO?” asked Brindha. I could see her waiting for my reply with anticipation.

“I am meeting him tomorrow at 4 in the same place”

“What? Are you sure you want to do that?” I could sense disappointment in her voice.

“Yes, I am”

“After everything Asha? After all those years and everything you have been through. You are going to meet him again?” She did not say more, I sensed that she had once in for all given up on me. Her voice of reason she figured had no effect on me after all these years too.

“I have to say goodbye Brindha, Can you guys be there too?” I said as though she never made that last plea.

“All right” she replied with the phone slamming down faster than she finished her sentence.

I slept peacefully that night. Though the day gave me enough fodder for getting confused and muddled up all over, I slept peacefully. I was learning. Anand did make some sense. He did have a point. Tomorrow was going to be a new day. A new day with newer beginnings. And end to all prior mistakes. I slept like a baby.

It was 4PM and I was already at the coffee shop waiting for him. The past few days have been a revelation. It has shown me a glimpse of a life where one’s mind is clear and content. Something that I had forgotten. It is amazing what a decision can do to you. While you have no idea whether the decision is going to pan out in the long run, it somehow felt right. I had always let Anand question me and my thoughts, and in turn question myself. Too much introspection often leads to insecurity, as I found out for myself.

As I immersed myself amidst all these nice and not so nice thoughts, I saw Anand walk in to the coffee shop. His smile reached his eyes. He always had a good smile. The kind that was infectious, the kind that could make you swoon.
Out of the corner of my eye, I also got a glimpse of Brindha and Disha. Now them, I did not expect to see so soon.

“I can’t think of them now” I told myself and focused on Anand. I have to do what I came here to do. I can’t let them distract or change my mind.

Half hour and detailed discussions later, we went out to our bikes. Brindha’s face was rife with disappointment.

“You are wrong this time Brindha” I thought to myself. For once I knew I was right, contrary to everything Brindha might say, I did the right thing this time.

As the sound of the bike starting faded away, I saw the surprise in Brindha’s expression turn in to a brilliant smile.

“By Jove! I for a moment thought…”

“That I would go with him again.”

“I did. I am sorry but you know how you guys were. I really thought you would” she said, her relief being more obvious than before.

“What happened?” Disha asked me earnestly

“You know how I hate getting the check right?” I asked her back with as much fake earnestness as I could muster.

‘Oh, come on Asha” Disha replied with her customary giggle.

“Well, you can do some mistakes only so many times. Anand always asked me to come with him because he believed we would be right together. Because he said he loved me. It would have been enough, had I felt the same way too. I did not. When I met him that day at my wedding, for the first time I felt scared. Scared of what life would be if I had to be with him. For some reason, which I can only thank, all the things that had gone wrong flashed in front of my eyes and I did not feel the love that could make me overlook those wrongs. I know I wasn’t in love with Rakesh as yet however I saw hope there. You know something is not bright when you are scared of a future with someone. So…” I raised my eyebrows as I looked at Disha and Brindha ” .. That is why I did not agree to go with him”

“But why all this then… Why dint you tell him that yesterday? I really thought you would, which is why I brought him along. Really!” asked Brindha

“Well, you know Anand. If I reject anything outright, he tends to think, I haven’t thought it through. He takes it upon himself to convince me more. That was the last thing I wanted. I wanted to put an end to this. I have no intention of being dragged to a coffee place after another discussing a “what could have been” situation with him. So I told him I’ll think about it. There was nothing to think about it really. I am happy where I am. It’s a life that I am beginning to really enjoy, and I see myself being happy. So all I had to do was tell him, I thought long and hard and that I made my peace with where I am and so should he. And that’s that.”

“Well, you could have told me you know!”

“Ahhh! Where would the fun in that be Brindha” I said as I smiled and hugged them both.

“If…” I stopped and continued “If not for you two.. I do not know how things would have turned out” I said while still in the embrace.

“Aah. If…How happy we are that it isn’t so!” said Disha giggling away.

Rating: 5.5/10 (6365 votes cast)

Of If’s and But’s – Second Time Around

July 25th, 2010

Episode 1, Epsiode2,Episode 3,Episode 4, Episode 5,Episode 6,Epsiode 7,Episode 8,Episode 9,Episode 10,Episode 11

This time things seemed different. Anand was no longer being the crazy jealous boyfriend, and I tried my best to spend as much time with him as possible. It was as though the time apart had made us realize and work on each of our needs. It definitely felt like we had grown up more, and the relationship much more than before.

Brindha wasn’t happy though. I dint know how Disha felt cause she rarely commented on my relationships. Disha was always there supporting my every move. She very rarely said what she thought about any situation. She had very strong notions on boundaries. She was very territorial. I did not mind Disha not being very vocal about what she thought. Brindha was doing enough talking for both of them. She said it was stupid of us to get back together. She said I needed stability in my relationships and this was not helping at all. She even stayed mad at Shravan for a while for attempting to get us back together.

Sometimes I envy Brindha. How easy it must be to be like her. She has these strong notions of right and wrong. She looks at everything practically. Everything was always grouped in to two categories, what would work and what wouldn’t. What she wanted and what she thought she could have almost always merged. I wonder how she did that, but she always did. It would be wonderful to lead a life where you want what you think you can have. Think about reducing your heart aches to the lowest possible factor.

However much I envy Brindha, I am not her. I realized that the sooner I accepted who I was, the better I can make decisions for myself. I concurred with Brindha, the second time I took the splurge, it was more out of not being in a relationship than well love. But the more time and effort I put in this relationship I felt that it was in a right place. We were doing really well for one another. Even our parents liked us both. Things were going very well. Until of course the second round of separation happened. This time, it was work related travel.

Distance never worked for us. It did not this time as well. Initially it did, I was proud of it too. I even told Brindha that. Brindha by now had given up on changing my mind. I don’t blame her. Over the years I feel I have ignored every one of her good suggestions. Anand was in London, it was a great opportunity for him career wise and we decided it was best that he go. He did. We struggled.

It was the same song and dance, Except that this time it was a little more serious. I would never accuse Anand of infidelity, At least not in the real meaning of the word. But in a way I did feel sidelined. His new friend(s) somehow seemed to be much more important to him than me. Emotionally, maybe he was being infidel. Everyday calls became three days once call, and then weekly once call. Sometime not even that. So much that when we spoke at times, it felt like we were strangers. The things that I thought I should tell him, somehow don’t seem that important cause a whole 2 weeks would have passed since. So much that when he told me it was not going anywhere, I was not shocked but definitely upset.

Breakups apart from being hard play with your mind. They make you feel vulnerable. They bring up a psycho analysis phase those questions all of your qualities. You wonder if you will ever end up with someone who will like you for what you are. It is a never-ending spiral of self questioning. Fortunately since it was the second time around, I was better prepared. For one, I decided I shall listen to Brindha.

The ever practical, the ever dependable, the grounded Brindha. And it was probably the best decision ever.

Rating: 5.5/10 (6388 votes cast)

Of If’s and But’s – Mind Games

July 25th, 2010

Episode 1, Epsiode2,Episode 3,Episode 4, Episode 5,Episode 6,Epsiode 7,Episode 8,Episode 9,Episode 10

If I was shocked, I did a good job of hiding it. I looked at Brindha, and she gave me a calm and reassuring look. Disha on the other hand seemed rather shocked. I took a moment to compose myself and started my scooter once again. This time before I could move away, he came closer to me and stood on my way

“What? What is it now?” I said with exasperation written all over my face.

“It still isn’t late Asha” I heard him say with the same tone that he had on my wedding.

“Late for what?”

“You know what”

“As it turns out, I do not know. I have no idea, what kind of crazy ideas are running through your mind. Let me tell you something, I am content with my current situation. My life for the first time in a long time is devoid of confusion, and back and forth. So save yourself the trouble and leave me alone?”

“You said content….”

“Huh?”

“Why did you say content” He asked me as though he had stumbled upon something great.

“Oh, don’t even start”

“Why shouldn’t I? Are you happy Asha? The last time I checked that was what everyone was after. Happiness. Content I am sure came much below.”
He said looking at me as though he was feeling sorry for me.

“Really? Smugness? You think that is going to win me over?”

“Why did you go ahead with it Asha? Even after I came and tried to change your mind? How come you never gave me a chance?”

“I am sorry. Give you a chance? The last 6 years were giving you a chance. All the back and forth every time was giving you a chance. It was alwasys something or the other. I am sick of being confused Anand. I am sick.”

“So you rather stay not confused and stick with a wrong decision?”

I hated him more than anything at that moment. It was just like him to think he knew all about what I wanted and to make these decisions for me.

“No I rather stay unconfused and in a stable relationship which to me is an important first step for happiness”

“Asha… Please…Please… Think about it…It is you and me. We can never be over. How can it be? Think of all the wonderful times, how can we be done? We cannot be a mistake, it does not seem natural. After everything we have been through, after all the effort that has gone in to us, how can it be? How can this be the end? Was it all for nothing?”
I could not understand what the look on his face meant at that moment. I hated him for showing up and planting the seeds of confusion again. I looked at Brindha and Disha as I started my scooter, turned to look at Anand and said

“Tomorrow 4 PM, here”

Rating: 5.5/10 (6455 votes cast)