Nivi Space

The entire short novel is here. Click on the link below to read it.

P.S: It feels so good to have finished it

Episode 1, Epsiode2,Episode 3,Episode 4, Episode 5,Episode 6,Epsiode 7,Episode 8,Episode 9,Episode 10,Episode 11

I drove home amidst the crowded roads of TNager. I thought about what Anand had said the whole time. It was his audacity that bugged me. He assumed that I was unhappy; he assumed that my life would not be complete without him. He assumed that he was such an integral part of my life. He was right. He had been.

I thought about Brindha and Disha too. How did Brindha agree to bring Anand to meet me? If there was anyone who had always questioned Anand and me being together it was her. Every time we broke up, she told me it was a good things and every time we patched up, she was not happy about it. Why would she ever do that? Especially now, when I have done what she has been asking me to do for ages. Make a choice and give it all you have.

Then it struck me.

Brindha called me as soon as I reached home.

“Hey! I did not mean to upset you”

“I know.”

“I just thought it would be better if we…” she stopped as though scourging for words.

“I know Brindha”

“So what did he say?”

“He told me I should go away with him”

“Hmmm. I expected that.”

“And that what am I am doing is a mistake”

“SO?” asked Brindha. I could see her waiting for my reply with anticipation.

“I am meeting him tomorrow at 4 in the same place”

“What? Are you sure you want to do that?” I could sense disappointment in her voice.

“Yes, I am”

“After everything Asha? After all those years and everything you have been through. You are going to meet him again?” She did not say more, I sensed that she had once in for all given up on me. Her voice of reason she figured had no effect on me after all these years too.

“I have to say goodbye Brindha, Can you guys be there too?” I said as though she never made that last plea.

“All right” she replied with the phone slamming down faster than she finished her sentence.

I slept peacefully that night. Though the day gave me enough fodder for getting confused and muddled up all over, I slept peacefully. I was learning. Anand did make some sense. He did have a point. Tomorrow was going to be a new day. A new day with newer beginnings. And end to all prior mistakes. I slept like a baby.

It was 4PM and I was already at the coffee shop waiting for him. The past few days have been a revelation. It has shown me a glimpse of a life where one’s mind is clear and content. Something that I had forgotten. It is amazing what a decision can do to you. While you have no idea whether the decision is going to pan out in the long run, it somehow felt right. I had always let Anand question me and my thoughts, and in turn question myself. Too much introspection often leads to insecurity, as I found out for myself.

As I immersed myself amidst all these nice and not so nice thoughts, I saw Anand walk in to the coffee shop. His smile reached his eyes. He always had a good smile. The kind that was infectious, the kind that could make you swoon.
Out of the corner of my eye, I also got a glimpse of Brindha and Disha. Now them, I did not expect to see so soon.

“I can’t think of them now” I told myself and focused on Anand. I have to do what I came here to do. I can’t let them distract or change my mind.

Half hour and detailed discussions later, we went out to our bikes. Brindha’s face was rife with disappointment.

“You are wrong this time Brindha” I thought to myself. For once I knew I was right, contrary to everything Brindha might say, I did the right thing this time.

As the sound of the bike starting faded away, I saw the surprise in Brindha’s expression turn in to a brilliant smile.

“By Jove! I for a moment thought…”

“That I would go with him again.”

“I did. I am sorry but you know how you guys were. I really thought you would” she said, her relief being more obvious than before.

“What happened?” Disha asked me earnestly

“You know how I hate getting the check right?” I asked her back with as much fake earnestness as I could muster.

‘Oh, come on Asha” Disha replied with her customary giggle.

“Well, you can do some mistakes only so many times. Anand always asked me to come with him because he believed we would be right together. Because he said he loved me. It would have been enough, had I felt the same way too. I did not. When I met him that day at my wedding, for the first time I felt scared. Scared of what life would be if I had to be with him. For some reason, which I can only thank, all the things that had gone wrong flashed in front of my eyes and I did not feel the love that could make me overlook those wrongs. I know I wasn’t in love with Rakesh as yet however I saw hope there. You know something is not bright when you are scared of a future with someone. So…” I raised my eyebrows as I looked at Disha and Brindha ” .. That is why I did not agree to go with him”

“But why all this then… Why dint you tell him that yesterday? I really thought you would, which is why I brought him along. Really!” asked Brindha

“Well, you know Anand. If I reject anything outright, he tends to think, I haven’t thought it through. He takes it upon himself to convince me more. That was the last thing I wanted. I wanted to put an end to this. I have no intention of being dragged to a coffee place after another discussing a “what could have been” situation with him. So I told him I’ll think about it. There was nothing to think about it really. I am happy where I am. It’s a life that I am beginning to really enjoy, and I see myself being happy. So all I had to do was tell him, I thought long and hard and that I made my peace with where I am and so should he. And that’s that.”

“Well, you could have told me you know!”

“Ahhh! Where would the fun in that be Brindha” I said as I smiled and hugged them both.

“If…” I stopped and continued “If not for you two.. I do not know how things would have turned out” I said while still in the embrace.

“Aah. If…How happy we are that it isn’t so!” said Disha giggling away.

Episode 1, Epsiode2,Episode 3,Episode 4, Episode 5,Episode 6,Epsiode 7,Episode 8,Episode 9,Episode 10,Episode 11

This time things seemed different. Anand was no longer being the crazy jealous boyfriend, and I tried my best to spend as much time with him as possible. It was as though the time apart had made us realize and work on each of our needs. It definitely felt like we had grown up more, and the relationship much more than before.

Brindha wasn’t happy though. I dint know how Disha felt cause she rarely commented on my relationships. Disha was always there supporting my every move. She very rarely said what she thought about any situation. She had very strong notions on boundaries. She was very territorial. I did not mind Disha not being very vocal about what she thought. Brindha was doing enough talking for both of them. She said it was stupid of us to get back together. She said I needed stability in my relationships and this was not helping at all. She even stayed mad at Shravan for a while for attempting to get us back together.

Sometimes I envy Brindha. How easy it must be to be like her. She has these strong notions of right and wrong. She looks at everything practically. Everything was always grouped in to two categories, what would work and what wouldn’t. What she wanted and what she thought she could have almost always merged. I wonder how she did that, but she always did. It would be wonderful to lead a life where you want what you think you can have. Think about reducing your heart aches to the lowest possible factor.

However much I envy Brindha, I am not her. I realized that the sooner I accepted who I was, the better I can make decisions for myself. I concurred with Brindha, the second time I took the splurge, it was more out of not being in a relationship than well love. But the more time and effort I put in this relationship I felt that it was in a right place. We were doing really well for one another. Even our parents liked us both. Things were going very well. Until of course the second round of separation happened. This time, it was work related travel.

Distance never worked for us. It did not this time as well. Initially it did, I was proud of it too. I even told Brindha that. Brindha by now had given up on changing my mind. I don’t blame her. Over the years I feel I have ignored every one of her good suggestions. Anand was in London, it was a great opportunity for him career wise and we decided it was best that he go. He did. We struggled.

It was the same song and dance, Except that this time it was a little more serious. I would never accuse Anand of infidelity, At least not in the real meaning of the word. But in a way I did feel sidelined. His new friend(s) somehow seemed to be much more important to him than me. Emotionally, maybe he was being infidel. Everyday calls became three days once call, and then weekly once call. Sometime not even that. So much that when we spoke at times, it felt like we were strangers. The things that I thought I should tell him, somehow don’t seem that important cause a whole 2 weeks would have passed since. So much that when he told me it was not going anywhere, I was not shocked but definitely upset.

Breakups apart from being hard play with your mind. They make you feel vulnerable. They bring up a psycho analysis phase those questions all of your qualities. You wonder if you will ever end up with someone who will like you for what you are. It is a never-ending spiral of self questioning. Fortunately since it was the second time around, I was better prepared. For one, I decided I shall listen to Brindha.

The ever practical, the ever dependable, the grounded Brindha. And it was probably the best decision ever.

Episode 1, Epsiode2,Episode 3,Episode 4, Episode 5,Episode 6,Epsiode 7,Episode 8,Episode 9,Episode 10

If I was shocked, I did a good job of hiding it. I looked at Brindha, and she gave me a calm and reassuring look. Disha on the other hand seemed rather shocked. I took a moment to compose myself and started my scooter once again. This time before I could move away, he came closer to me and stood on my way

“What? What is it now?” I said with exasperation written all over my face.

“It still isn’t late Asha” I heard him say with the same tone that he had on my wedding.

“Late for what?”

“You know what”

“As it turns out, I do not know. I have no idea, what kind of crazy ideas are running through your mind. Let me tell you something, I am content with my current situation. My life for the first time in a long time is devoid of confusion, and back and forth. So save yourself the trouble and leave me alone?”

“You said content….”

“Huh?”

“Why did you say content” He asked me as though he had stumbled upon something great.

“Oh, don’t even start”

“Why shouldn’t I? Are you happy Asha? The last time I checked that was what everyone was after. Happiness. Content I am sure came much below.”
He said looking at me as though he was feeling sorry for me.

“Really? Smugness? You think that is going to win me over?”

“Why did you go ahead with it Asha? Even after I came and tried to change your mind? How come you never gave me a chance?”

“I am sorry. Give you a chance? The last 6 years were giving you a chance. All the back and forth every time was giving you a chance. It was alwasys something or the other. I am sick of being confused Anand. I am sick.”

“So you rather stay not confused and stick with a wrong decision?”

I hated him more than anything at that moment. It was just like him to think he knew all about what I wanted and to make these decisions for me.

“No I rather stay unconfused and in a stable relationship which to me is an important first step for happiness”

“Asha… Please…Please… Think about it…It is you and me. We can never be over. How can it be? Think of all the wonderful times, how can we be done? We cannot be a mistake, it does not seem natural. After everything we have been through, after all the effort that has gone in to us, how can it be? How can this be the end? Was it all for nothing?”
I could not understand what the look on his face meant at that moment. I hated him for showing up and planting the seeds of confusion again. I looked at Brindha and Disha as I started my scooter, turned to look at Anand and said

“Tomorrow 4 PM, here”

Episode 1, Epsiode2,Episode 3,Episode 4, Episode 5,Episode 6,Epsiode 7,Episode 8,Episode 9

Time as they say is truly a great healer. Between work, home, friends, Brindha and Disha, I finally got out of my confusion; at least buried it deep inside that it did not show its ugly face to me once again. Anand helped too, by not calling or getting in touch.

It all changed when one day I received a call from Shravan. Now Shravan and I are friends but not nearly as good friends that Shravan would make an international call. Also we always talk when Brindha calls me. So this phone call from Shravan was certainly eyebrow raise worthy.

“Hi Asha… Shravan here”

“Hey Shravan, everything ok? Is Brindha fine?” I asked my mind immediately going to her

“Oh, yes she is great. She is in class right now. Listen there is something I need to talk to you about” said Shravan

For some reason, my mind went back to the first time, Shravan did this, in the bus stand, that made Brindha go red with jealousy.

“Yes, Shravan”

“Anand called me yesterday…” He paused

I did not want to be in this conversation already. Whatever was next could not be good.

“mmmmm…”

“He is miserable Asha. He really misses you. He thinks it was his biggest mistake letting you go. Do you think you guys can put things behind you and bury the past, start afresh and stuff?”

I had a zillion questions to ask and realized that Shravan was not the one with all the answers.

“Why dint he call me Shravan, I would think it is easier for him to walk down to my office than make an international phone call” I said

“I.. I don’t know Asha. All I know is the bloke is terribly upset and dejected. It would do him a world of good to be with you. I know he repents it, he told me himself”

“Is that what he asked you to tell me?” I asked unwilling to let go of that.

“Asha.. Can’t you let bygones be bygones? I know he is willing to change, cant you?”

I could not believe I was being lectured by someone who does not have the first clue about what happened between us. Or maybe he did. I did not know and I did not care. I did not like the fact that another person was giving me relationship advice. It felt as though he was judging me. In all fairness, he probably was not, but I couldn’t take it. I felt like Anand had just taken a huge leap in to being an idiot. Why did he have to talk to someone else about our problems? Why was it so hard for him to talk to me? I spoke to him, I called him. I made myself look like an ass.Dint I?

“I’ll handle it Shravan” I said as I put the receiver down banging it a little harder than necessary. I dint know why I was mad at Shravan for. He was just the messenger.

I thought long and hard about what Shravan had said, about what I had told Anand in our previous call, what Anand had said or rather not said. I decided to call him. I thought it would be better if I waited until morning to call him so that things would be clearer in my mind. Impatience caught the better of me.

“Hiii” I heard him say. His voice had this relief in it. It was almost as though he had been waiting for my call all day. I could feel his breathing become normal from anxious. For some reason, it made me feel good.

“Hii. Shravan called me a while back.” I said not knowing what else to say

“Yes, I asked him to”

“But why? Why can’t you talk to me, Why bring another person amidst all the existing mess” I asked him wondering what possible reply did he have for everything

” I love you Asha, I don’t know what happened between us, maybe it was me, maybe it was you, maybe it was neither of us, but none of it changes the fact that I love you. I don’t want to apart. I don’t want to be separated. The past few months have been horrid. Please…” I heard him choke and something about his voice, his vulnerability made me feel sorry. It might not be the reaction he was hoping for. But that is how I felt. I did not know what to say next. I truly felt for him. I wasn’t sure if I was in love with him. I had missed him too. The past few months, though liberating had an hollow about it. An inexplicable void. Maybe it was Anand that was missing. I did not know for sure,

“Don’t do it” I heard Brindha’s ever sensible words in my ears. I could not help but drowning that voice.

“Ok, let us give this another chance” I heard myself saying.

Episode 1, Epsiode2,Episode 3,Episode 4, Episode 5,Episode 6,
Epsiode 7,
Episode 8

Forever was until college ended and we had to move on to the real life. One where you dint have anyone to guide you at every step along the way. Brindha, Shravan and Disha went to USA to pursue their graduate studies while Anand and I took the jobs we were offered in Software Firms.

How easy relationships are as long as you spend every free moment you have with one other? No insecurities to worry about. Having all the time for one another was just so wonderful. But real life as we soon found out was as distant as it could be from college life. There were no lunch breaks when we could hang out, we could not bunk work like we did in college to talk endlessly. We found that we no longer shared every tiny little detail starting from what we had for breakfast to how many helpings of coffee we had. While I got used to the new scenario quickly, Anand struggled. What was worse was we found pseudo Anand’s and Asha’s as friends soon. We made friends with whom we would spend a large part of our work day. While I was ok with pseudo Asha, Anand was not. At first I found the jealousy to be cute, but as time grew, I realized that there was nothing cute about it.

I did not like Anand wanting to know where I was at every waking moment and more so whom I was with. It was not the fact that he wanted to know where I was, whatever answer I gave him, he was mad about it. He didn’t like it if I went out with my colleagues, he did not like if I worked late, he did not like it when someone else dropped me back home. Suffice to say, he did not like anything I did which did not involve him. There were probably many ways in which we could have handled these issues, but we did not. Unfortunately the first reaction to anything we do not like is anger. And anger in none of its manifestations ever brings any good.

I tried to deal with Anand’s crazy jealousy and I am sure he tried to work on it too, but it just reached a stage when we both felt relieved when we did not speak one day. Soon I had learnt to live life without him and found that it was surprisingly easy, not impossible like we had told one another a few years back. It was definitely better than spending every minute I get to talk to him fighting about why I let a colleague drop me back home the previous night. It just reached a stage where I realized this was not working .I brought the subject up, and surprisingly, he was the one who was more than accepting. It was almost like he would have told me the same thing if I had not.

It was weird. But we said our goodbyes. A part of me did not want to. It wanted to see if we could work through our troubles. After all it was Anand. We had shared so many things, been through so many high’s and low’s. But I did not say anything and neither did he. He was never the one to take a first step, especially when it came to mending things.

I had moved on, or so I believed. It was tough at first to get used to not talking to him and not meeting him every day, but I guess the greatest thing about time is it lets you adjust and helps you forget. I guess I did that. Brindha and Disha though many many miles away were pillars of strength.

I was going through a very weird patch. Though I knew we could not be together and was relieved that we did not have to go endure what we did for the past few months, in a way it irritated me. I could not help wonder why the amazing rapport we shared, the love that we thought we had for one another all of a sudden vanish. The self prosecution would not end. It did me no good. It drove me at times to the point where I would dial his number to call him. But then I would stop myself. Brindha told me not to, ever. She said time would heal; it always did, if we restrain ourselves. She said calling him again would not bring any good. It would only confuse me, it would not clarify any questions, only raise more. She said so many things that made perfect sense. I thought about all those wise things as I dialed his number

“Hi”

There was a long pause following that.

“Hi… A…Asha?”

“Yes, how are you? Hope you are doing well” I said with an air of assumed calmness

“Why, yes I am. How about you? Is the new team working well for you?”

After a few minutes of forced small talk, and after realizing Anand would never make a move, I asked him

“Do you miss me?” And as I did that I thought of what Brindha would say

“Are you stupid?” she would say “This has got to be the dumbest thing you have ever done. What do you expect him to say? Which answer would serve you better? If he says no, you are going to feel miserable, if he says yes, you are going to be confused. Why would you do that?” As Brindha finished saying those lines in my mind, I could sense Anand struggling for words, the pause was too long, too long for it to be a favorable one. And then he did what I did not anticipate

“Do you Asha?”

I did not expect that. I could see Brindha do an I-can’t-believe-you-called-him-nod as I said

“I don’t know, maybe I do. ”

“Is there anything you want to ask Asha?”

“I…I am not sure. Do you think we did the right thing? I know things did not go well. But I never knew how you felt. I am not sure if I was the reason things went sore. I don’t know. I just wanted to know.”

Again I knew in my mind that these were questions were set up to cause heart break. What did I expect to come out of these questions anyways? Even if Anand said everything I wanted him to say, I am not sure if I wanted us to get back together. This exercise in futile frustrated me. More so because I was doing what I knew was bad for me.

“I think it was both of us Asha.”

There he said it, so typical of him. To say something like that and not explain it. I was not sure what that was, a statement that is supposed to be factually rich or something to say while he thinks what to say next. But all I heard was pause, much longer than the ones before.

“All right. I guess this was a bad idea. See you Anand”

I said, giving him one more opportunity to say anything if he wanted to.

“Good bye Asha” he said after another one of his customary pauses.

“Are you joking?” I could hear Brindha’s voice raise in decibels even on an international phone call.

“Funny, that is exactly what you said in my mind too” I replied trying to dowse my situation with a riposte.

“Not funny Asha. You know I told you…”

“I know Brindha, I know it was stupid, please do not do an “I told you so” on me now. You have all the right to, but please don’t” I said. Brindha spoke about a few other things in general, about school in America and how she loved it,etc

The night was long, more so cause of my confusion than anything. It had been weird talking to Anand. A small part of me did want to get back together with Anand, I ceded to that thought. A part that hoped we could still go back to what we were. Did he not feel that at all? With more than a dozen thoughts battling in my mind, I finally fell asleep.

Episode 1, Epsiode2,Episode 3,Episode 4, Episode 5,Episode 6
Epsiode 7

Anand and I spoke for 2 hours that day. I don’t how it happened but all I remember was calling him. Since then it felt like a breeze. I don’t know where we started and why we talked about all those topics. When I thought about the conversation, after we had finished talking, it felt stupid, even juvenile. But fun nevertheless. I felt a certain excitement after I spoke to him. I couldn’t sit at one place, I kept pacing up our hallway, I was happier than my regular evenings.

The next day, Disha and Brindha got hold of me in the canteen during breakfast and wanted me to dish all the details. I couldn’t stop the smile and the ensuing blush on my cheeks. I hated it, couldn’t help it though. I told them the conversation in detail, as Disha would not have the condensed version. She wanted every tidbit, she even wanted to know if I said yes, or ya.

“What difference does it make Disha?” I asked impatiently.

“Oh! It does, it does. ‘Yes’, is assertive, confident and if overused can be misinterpreted for being prim and proper. ‘Ya’ can be cool, fun and flirty but when over used could be perceived as flippant. So you want to use the right mix of ‘Yes’ and ‘Ya’” she said without taking a break. Brindha and I looked at her wondering how we had found her, or she us.

“You are one work of art, I tell you” I told her and then continued my story when I suddenly remembered something

“Wait a minute, what happened yesterday with You and Shravan. Did he call you? Did you call him? How can you not tell us?” I howled as I realized the other big story from yesterday.

“Oh Gosh! You already know whatever there is to know. Anyways finish your story. And then I will tell mine. What about you Disha?” asked Brindha with a wink

“Oh ya, very funny. Just because both of you decide to hook up on the same day, now I have to have a story too. Whatever” she said turning her attention to her half baked idlis.

“Oh come on, I was pulling your leg” said Brindha. She then turned to me and nudged me “Hmmm go on”

I told them about the remainder of my phone call with Anand. Once I was done, Disha then told me

“So clearly he likes you”

“Wait. How do you know that?” I asked Disha

“Seriously Asha, stop acting like that. The guy writes you a note for godsake. I am yet to hear of a guy who writes a note wishing for a perfectly platonic relationship with a girl. The chances are hell will freeze over before that” Disha said almost admonishing me for wanting to indulge in a little ego trip
Brindha laughed and turned towards me “I agree with Disha. Also Shravan tells me Anand definitely has the hots for you”

“Can we please not use that term? Ok he likes me. Good, whatever, can we go to class now? We are late”

“Not so fast” said Disha “Why the sudden concern about being late to class. When have we ever been there on time? The important question is Do you?”

“Do I….what?” I waited for Disha to complete the sentence

“Whoof. Do you like him?” she asked

“Well, I don’t know. I mean he is really funny and sweet and everything. But I don’t know. Isn’t that like a really big decision?” I asked them

“What is there to decide, you either like him or not. It’s more like you know it than you decide it” said Disha

Brindha looked at me, raising her eyebrows and pursing her lips, meaning she has had enough of my dillydallying.

“All right, all right I think I do, Fine, happy?” I said not realizing my smile just went from a normal one to the beaming zone. In an attempt to divert the attention from me, I turned around to Brindha and asked

“So what about you guys? Do you like Shravan”

“Duh? Of course I do. I told you that in the bus yesterday. I have always liked him and him me. So there’s that.”

The rest of the day in college was as uneventful as it could be. I met Anand a couple of times and each time, it felt like I was seeing him for the first time. We kept asking each other the same questions and never once gave the same answers. It was all fun and nice in a wonderfully weird way. I wished this would go on forever.